Sunday, April 21, 2002

Whether it's a lack of guidance or impulse, I'm regretting the mistake i made....

Nowadays, I lied around, doing nothing most of my days, for I have nothing to attend to. LIfe isn't that great for me, nor is it taskful; and I love to be busy. Nowadays, I found myself dreaming about the old days of high school, when education was still at the tip of my fingers. Nowadays, I'm depressed; so does my vagina. hahahhahahaha!

Today, I wittnessed my boyfriend turning his head to glance at the girl with the revealing abs. Today, I am losing my apprehension of great love. Gosh, can things get any worse?

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

the worry is almost over

the three days wait for the cramping and bleeding to occur was finally over. tomorrow, i'm heading back to work. right now, i'm just a little shaky about my educational future. i mean, i still haven't recieved my high school transcript yet. this is so frustrating!

just a moment ago, i was thinking of going back to cali to attend school. a moment ago, i was planning to leave my baby. a moment ago, i was plannning this life i am learning to love. right at this moment though, i'm determined to stay here and work hard for my dream.

Saturday, April 13, 2002

a pill that costs $560 or half of my fortune

we got there at 7:10 in the morning, and already, we were almost emotionally attacked by anti-abortion activists. Yes, it was a little bit nerve wrecking; I am now, thinking, that i'm doing something horrible, that I'm killing a life. But I brushed the thought of and replace it with my own reasonable justification: what is the sin in killing a life that hasn't existed, so that this life[mine] can proceed without so much pain? Good enough excuse, right?

when the wait was finally over(four hours later), we drove home in relief mixed with somewhat of anxieties. He's worried knowing that I will be bleeding for 12 hours continuously. As for me, I'm worried that even chemicals will fail! Please, I still want to live! I have a dream and a simple goal to attend to. I have a parents to pay due to; a society to answer to; and mostly, I need to build that bridge for my sisters to a greater life.

Today is SAturday. The injection doesn't start untill Monday's night. That means I won't be able to go back to work on Tuesday, or possitively the rest of the week. God, I don't really want to lose this job. I need those meager tip to drive my life to my next destination.

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Learning to play the game of life

Ever since the day I drove off into a new life, nothing was ever the same.

First of all, finding a job in Florida was as hard as finding needles in the hay stack; and when I finally found one, the pay was horrible, the boss was mean and strict, the coworkers were just too giddy for me. Gosh, I could never forget the heavy mopping duty I had to endure each night, and the freezing tempature in those freezers at seven in the morning. Of course, in less than a month, I made the effort to quit the job.

Let me tell you though, it was much harder looking for another job. And when I landed this job--working as a waitress for a mom-and-pop restaurant, everything is so convenient: free-food, great management team, 3-hours-a-day shift, five days a week, and a chance of making $60 in less than six hours was heavenly.

Can you believe this? Me getting giddy over a blue-collar job, a job which I once referred as the begging job. Every table I serve, I just hope that they would kindly leave at least $3 or more, for my service is excellent and on top of that I carry their heavy dishes to the back of the house. $3 out of their pocket doesn't really account for much in their huge bank account, but that $3 times ten makes $30. That would just make me smile: $30 in three hours. However, sometimes, things don't quite fall into place. People get greedy and cheap as shit, and they forget to tip or tip too little.

Now aday, my life revolves around the philosophy of tipping. It's pathetic but the money will go into my investment in becoming a teacher. If I really can save up enough money, I might be graduating soon, just in time for 2004. And if people keep on forgetting that I only get paid $2.50/hr and not $6.50/hr, then I'm screwed. My days working as a waitress are quite unpredictable as life is full of high's and low's. Just like how I will be spending half of my hard-earning money for the abortion on Saturday. Life is not about money, but I always cry inside when my small stack of money get thinner and thinner day after day. Life is not about money, but if I don't make enough to pay for my tuition, then you will be seeing me serving you food till the day you retire with your German Sheperd.